Patty’s Reflections {#2 Grief and Losing your Parents}

Today is my second contribution to Patty’s Reflections; my collection of blog posts where I will share some of my more personal thoughts with all of you. While it might seem a surprising topic for my blog,  it is one that I think is not discussed enough. Over the years I have often been called for photo sessions for families as a member is nearing the end of their life.   It is always an absolute honour and privilege!

But let’s step away from the photos and talk about grief as it relates to our parents. Many of us are in the “sandwich” generation. We are looking after both our parents and our children. It is not easy. I consider it an incredible gift to be able to support our parents as they face the final years of their life and to repay a small amount of what they gave us when we were young. I hope that someone will support me with the same kindness and compassion when I am facing the end of my years.

That being said… Let’s talk about grief.

I believe that our society does a horrendous job of managing the loss of a loved one. I come from a large family. My dad was 1 of 7 children. I grew up with large gatherings, in a small town, where death happened. There were celebrations for lives well lived as well as somber gatherings for those ended suddenly and too early. Looking back the environment had a hint of fatalistic to it. There was a need to embrace, celebrate, bake pies, sing, make music and laugh today because you never knew about tomorrow.  From this upbringing I will often casually say” despite our best efforts, NONE of us are making it out of here alive”. Joking aside – it is very true.  (Although I think Elon Musk might add this to his list of things to tackle 😉

My dad died when I was 24 years old. That experience taught me! Although I would have loved to have him with me longer, the lessons that I took from it have shaped me for the better. I do not believe that I would have cherished my days in the same way had I not experienced that loss at a young age. Most importantly, I learned to tell the people in my life that I love them and hug them. I will be forever grateful for that last life lesson from my dad.

So for all of you out there experiencing the loss of a parent here are a few words of wisdom from me:

1. IT is completely normal to feel like an orphan. Parents are our cornerstones from childhood. It feels foreign to navigate in a world without them in. It is OK to feel that.
2. Grief hurts. IT fucking hurts deeply. A pain that nothing compares to. FEEL IT. You have no recourse, you must feel and move through it in order to move past it.
3. THERE is no time limit. It takes as long as it takes.
4. ALLOW your kids to be part of it. Grief does not discriminate by age. IT is part of life and teaching your children how to navigate those emotions is a must. Start small when their goldfish is floating upside down in the bowl so that they will be better able to understand the concept as they grow.
5. CHERISH the moments big or small; take the photos, bake the pies and laugh!
6. CELEBRATE your loved one. My kids were not even a twinkle in my eye when my dad passed, but they grew up knowing him. I would tell them stories and we celebrate his birthday every year. They know him! In doing that he has continued to exist in my life. Remember what I mentioned in point #1.  IT is about learning how to navigate the world without our parents. By adding these moments of remembering/celebrating into my life it helped the grieving process and patch up the wound left by the grief.

My final thoughts may seem simple but they are very true. Grief hurts! But to quote Queen Elizabeth II “grief is the price we pay for love”. If you did not grieve it would mean that we had not known love and that seems so sad to me. Allow yourself to feel it and by acknowledging the grief you also honour that life. Learn to cherish the moments and celebrate the love.